Bicycle Attire Part II - Shorts and Jerseys

And so I continue on the theme of bicycle clothing, to the topic of The Jersey. Jersey is how one describes the garment a cyclist wears on the upper part of his or her body. They tend to be constructed of fabric with a lycra component, so are stretchy and tight-fitting. Clearly this is beneficial against wind resistance.

Cycling jerseys commonly feature lines that delineate the arms from the torso - run a google image search on 'cycling jersey' if you require an illustration of this. Such lines tend to amplify the gut, so this aesthetic component is mystifying with regard to the large number of paunchy men who don this apparel for their Sunday morning cycle.

Another characteristic of the cycling jersey is branding, mostly bike manufacturers and companies that sponsor cycling events. I found an old jersey on Ebay that features the ludicrous combination of 7-Eleven convenience stores and Hoonved, which is an Italian washing machine company. I think it is pretty cool.

Damn it feels good to be a gangster

So what do these jerseys offer the cyclist? They don't flap in the wind, and they're made of synthetic mix fabrics which tend to cope well with sweat, and dry quickly. They drop low at the rear, so you don't get chilly in the lumbar when leaning forward into your handlebars. But perhaps most wonderfully they have deep pockets at the back, because having stuff in your trouser pockets when cycling is perilous (stuff falls out) and uncomfortable (it can rub with the motion of your legs). Here I am about to leave the house with a bottle of whisky and an issue of the Kick Ass 2 comic book, ready for fucking action:

Shorts

These are the most ridiculous aspect of the cyclist's wardrobe, diverging furthest from everyday clothing, but they are also the most specialised, and goddamit they are comfy. These things are called bib knicks. I refer to them as Obelix pants. Most of what is negative about them is summarised in this image:

woah bodyform, bodyform for you

They look stupid as hell. One's genitals are conspicuous beneath a thin layer of stretchy fabric. Furthermore, going to the toilet is a challenge. However, the garment doesn't ride down due to those shoulder straps, and they have rubbery hems on the legs so they don't ride up either. They have a padded thing in the crotch that is known as a chamois that, frankly, there is no going back from - comfort, thy name is chamois. You don't wear underwear with these things, so you need to wash them every couple of days. And you must never, ever wear them to the pub, because you look like a fucking twat.

Bicycle Attire Part 1 - Helmets

After years of steadfastly refusing to alter my everyday clothing for the sake of transport, I have recently decided to embrace specialised cycling apparel. The reasons for this include convenience and comfort; Sydney can be hot and humid, and sweat-drenched denim is an effective way to experience chafing and fungal skin infections.

A brief inspection of the clothing available at bike stores prompts the question, must all aesthetic considerations be put aside for convenience and comfort? For cycling is a world with it own stylistic palette, which can be generally characterised as brand names splashed across ghastly shades of skintight lycra. In cycling, this dickbag is considered a style icon:

Mario Cipollini is a champion arse-piece

In this and the following posts I will look at the question of whether it is possible to wear clothing designed for cycling, while observing basic standards of taste and decency.

Helmets

It is a legal necessity for cyclists to wear helmets in Australia. I'm undecided if this should be taken out of the realm of personal choice, but ever since my helmet left a dent in the bonnet of a car that ran into me, I have had no problem with wearing one. I used to wear a skateboard helmet on my bike, but this unventilated lump of heavy black plastic would get so hot beneath the Australian sun that I would come over all dizzy, so I decided to buy a proper bike helmet.

Most bicycle helmets resemble dreadlocks cast in lurid plastic. Here is a typical array of helmets from an online bike shop:

There is little variation to be found in this design approach, and not only are they uniformly shit to look at, they offer little beyond basic functionality. I live in the Inner West of Sydney, which means that I ride to work with the morning sun rising in my eyes, and ride home into the glare of the setting sun. It would hence be useful to have some kind of visor on a helmet, and also channels to accommodate the legs of sunglasses so that they don't get pressed into one's head (this is sore). Bern is the only manufacturer I found that offer these features, but they are not available in Australia.

Lazer produce these helmets with a substantial visor and nice fabric finish, but my choice was limited to darker hues. I wanted something with a lighter colour after the cooking my brain had received inside a black helmet. And frankly, they look a bit pony, and I don't want to look like I'm on my way to the gymkhana.

I went instead for a helmet made by Capix, which has fussy ridges and branding, but is about as inoffensive a helmet as I could find. It has a visor which is too small to be effective when the sun is low in the sky. The fit is reasonable, although it tends to move around a bit, and I often find myself tightening the chin-strap. But overall it's a massive improvement on the skateboard helmet I was using. It's also a fine home for the Porco Rosso sticker I picked up in Tokyo.